Thursday, May 15, 2008
Confession time
What I am about to say can not leave this blog. I am a crappy mother. Now I mean it in the true sense of the word. I may be destroying my childrens' souls. You see, I was a single, working, schooling mom for many years. Everyday I dreamed of the day when I would be done with school and working and I could see my children more. When I could be more present in their lives. Well guess what? I got something even better. David. And with him the chance to be a full-time stay-at home mommy. Something that I did not even dare to dream about. So here I am in dreamland and I am truly struggling. Domestic goddess, I am not. I worry about the wrong things. I go over-board with punishments or I completely let things slide. I freakout or am as cool as a cucumber. It is like I parent as a Manic-depressive. I dreamed this different. In my dreams the house was neat, tidy and homey. The days were spent helping with homework, listening to every spoken and unspoken word, baking cookies, making paper mache` solar systems and guiding my children into lives as productive, kind adults. In dreamland I was one hot mama with plenty of time to excercise, it was a place where I whipped up healthy delicious meals all the while looking radiant and calm. A place where dowdiness was nary in sight. The reality is more like the dream where you go to school and realize you don't have any clothes on. You feel vulnerable and stupid and completely confused as to how something like this could happen. So here I am, naked in mommy land. Please don't get me wrong. Even though I don't look great naked, this reality is exactly where I want to be. I just need to figure it all out. I love these peeps with every cell in my body. I just want to do right by them. I want to make all of their dreams come true. Is there some kind of training for this?
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7 comments:
Oh sweet Marnae, I've always thought you were super-mom and I always will. I was hoping to get some training from you when I was in town!
I think you just described Stay-At-Home Motherhood. For ALL of us...
Therapy learned me a thing or two. Like - my inner critic? The one who shrieks in my head "Did you REALLY just give the kids grilled cheese and popcorn for lunch? BAD MOMMY!" She's a ho-bag, and should be roundly whipped with a rubber hose. And not in the hot, kinky kinda way.
There is no such thing as perfection in mothering, but that we love them all we can and try to maintain a little sanity. If that means the kitchen floor is a little sticky or we don the Mom Sweats more often than is considered acceptable? Eff it, this is a temporary condition and one day we'll look back on this time (while lunching with the ladies in our most fashionable attire with our perfectly manicured nails) and say "Ah yes - those frazzled days. I looked like crap and the house was a mess, but I really miss curling up in my grubbies to listen to my toddler try to read "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" from memory. He's in college now and, you know, he never calls..."
That you even worry shows you're already a great Mom. :) Show yourself a little of that love you lavish on the kids, too.
Marnae,
I don't think there is a mother out there who hasn't felt that way from time to time.
I'm with Mel, the fact you care--is evidence that you are still trying hard!
Love ya girl! I'll call ya today.
Shannon
I feel like this everyday! I worked in a very successful but competitive working environment for five years (I know; that's not even that long in comparison) and every day during that time I dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. Yet now that I'm living my dream it sometimes doesn't feel like a dream. Your post just rang so true--not just some days for me but everyday. I love my life as a stay-at-home mom and wouldn't trade it for literally anything, but wow is it different than I had thought in my little brain! :) Every sentence you wrote, I thought, "Yeah, why is it like that? What was I thinking?"
Anyway, thanks for an excellent post!
-Melissa
Marnae. You rock! Before I was home with my kiddos, I thought the same thing....I'd be the most patient mom with the cleanest house and best behaved kids. :) Now I'm in tantrum land a lot of the time and I find I have NO patience. Thanks for the post that made me laugh out loud, cause we've all thought those same things. Good thing perfection doesn't come overnight and we've got all eternity to work on it, right? Love ya girl! BTW, I think you are an awesome mom!
If you ever find training to become a perfect mom, please let me know, 'cuz I am feeling exactly like you. Come pay me a visit when you are feeling the worst and one look at my house, you won't feel so bad. We can commiserate together! Thanks for sharing your frustrations. It is always nice to know that others feel the same.
amen to all these comments. And for what it's worth, the Clarks feel your pain. I know G. would echo everything you said and yet, I think she's the greatest mom to our little Haven.
We who know you, Marnae, know what a fantastically supercalifragilistic person you are. We wouldn't trade you and your friendship for anything.
You just love and appreciate yourself that much more every day knowing that the Clarks, and the rest of these people here (none of whom I know sadly) love ya ta death. All any of us can do is HOPE that we get better day by day. And as one of my favorite sayings in the whole word teaches me: 'Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.'
Here's hoping tomorrow finds us all a bit better! But, if it doesn't, there's always tomorrow's tomorrow.
I need to shut up now.
Bye all!
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